What are You Looking for?

Is not here
The anticipation
to feel your tired soul at the end of the day
to take off that burden
has left me

Drained out in sharp seeps
over subtle moments
almost unfelt
A universe of agony somewhere else
more blunt
that I could never know it

So, what is it?

On this parched ground
monotonous as far as the eye can see
you are a nonentity
colourless and vacuum

Why I Love My Life

This year has been by far the toughest in my life.

.

January

I had to make the most difficult decision I've ever had to make - to leave the life I've had, to finally give up on it after struggling like mad to make it work.

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February

Facing the consequences & my fear, I had to fight hard, against all odds, against the worst possible outcome.

.

March

Had to fight harder as the retaliations were becoming more intimidating and cunning. At times, it seemed really bleak, and I was right at the verge of crashing and breaking to pieces.

.

April

I won. And I was not thrilled or happy as many thought I would or should; it was not a struggle for freedom. But a loss and the end of certain hopes and what should have been for me and for others who have had the same hopes for us.

.

May

I was re-introduced to the solitude of singlehood. Everything seemed different now.

My sister, my roomate moved out. That was surprisingly though to handle.

My car was giving me some real serious problems, had to spend unbelievable amount of cash that I didn't have to fix it & was warned that more of this is expected in the near future. I'm broke, and I'm really angry and bitter toward him and at my own stupidity for believing in what we had when I knew that everything was going against my instinct from the very beginning.

My former family attempted to rebuild the broken bridge. I love them and I really missed them, but I don't know how to handle this unchartered territory. It's too risky. It seems so much easier to just let it all go than holding on to pieces that you think is alright. The fact is it's not, because the fight is not over and I know for fact that they'll stop loving me then; and the pain will be worse.

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June

Sis's wedding is over but unsettled matters remained.

Financial crisis started to hit. Can't make ends meet. I hate to ask others for help, to be seen vulnerable. I had to find alternatives & make more tough choices. I let go all the valuable belongings that I own, besides the crucial ones . Everything goes, but not all are going easily, still. But I had to let them go.

So I had to find more alternatives. Started with the 'work very hard' days for the next few months. I hated it but I had to. And they proved to be really hard. On some of these days, when things are harder than usual, I cursed the x more than usual, becoming more bitter and angrier. I should not, no point in it, but I can't help it.

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July

My confinement period is over & the x has started to bug me, literally, with his creeping crawling sms's. The after effect: the feeling of icky-ness and disgust on my skin, the pit of my stomach and right into my head. That too has been more difficult to handle than I thought. The hole in my bank account is getting bigger and the 'work hard days' haven't shown the kind of immediate solution that I was expecting. My salary evaporated within days and unpaid bills and expenses lined up in a restless queue, demanding to be settled. And the scarcity crept further.

.

August

I have officially become the member of the a new growing society (I heard this term used in a local tv program): the poor middle class.

Faced a serious challenge at work, one of the worst in my career which was completely unneccesary and did not make sense. Simple task, but the too many beuracratic nonsence, coated with sheer arrogance of some senior baboons in the organization, made it impossible to handle. It was finally completed, but the tensions were seriously not worth it.

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September

It's only the beginning of the month and my car was hit in an accident. This has resulted in a series of complications that I'm still trying to cope, not to mention others.

.

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All of these looks like a long list whining. But they are not intended to be percieved that way, because In spite of these 'difficulties', I truly feel blessed.

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I've realized and I am reassured time and time again that I've got the greatest parents and siblings in the world and that I am surrounded by family and some significant people whom without their support, I would have just sank and drowned in my misery.

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I've became closer to a few very good friends and made some new ones. Depite the financial crisis, I don't feel bogged down by them. My mother & father taught me that every problem comes from God and He will provide solutions and opportunities, as long as we open our minds to the possibilities that lie in front us and are not afraid to take chances.

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Most of all, I just can't believe that I've done all the otherwise crazy things that I've done this year. The courage, strength and convictions are the most precious discovery that I've made about myself. For that I can't be thankful enough to the Almighty God, because He has bestowed them to me.

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A couple of well known cliches state that: What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, and that when you hit rock bottom, the only direction to go next is up! For me, they have been absolutely true!

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It's the worst year of my life. And I've never felt better.

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Alhamdulillah to the Most Merciful and Compassionate.

Irony

On a very hot afternoon:-

Me:
(walking towards the pak guard, fuming) Encik, encik, nak bagitau ni..

Pak Guard:
Apa dia, kenapa nih?

Me:
Ada orang parking kat tempat saya la, dah banyak kali dah ni kereta yang sama. Kalau parking sekejap tu takpe la, tapi ni dah tiga empat kali dah dalam dua minggu ni. Pastu dia parking dari pagi sampai petang pulak tu!

Pak Guard:
Oooo, ni kita boleh ambik tindakan. Cik tunjuk kat saya kereta mana, saya panggil orang-orang saya untuk clamp kereta tu. Haii.. selalu problem orang parking kat tempat staff ni..

Me:
(walking towards my parking space with the Pak Guard) Tu lah, dah la panas, macam hari tu hujan lebat, pastu saya kena parking kat tempat orang lain, jauh betul. Geram betullah diorang ni!

Pak Guard:
Ok, ok, kita akan uruskan problem cik.. (arrived at my parking)... Eh! Alamak...Hehehehe..

Me:
Apasal encik?!

Pak Guard:
Hmmm.. Ni kereta saya la, sorry la ye, saya alihkan sekarang jugak. Sorry la ye, sorry...

What the...!
Harapkan pak guard, pak guard makan padi..

Black and White

unravel me
a distant cord
on the outside is forgotten
a constant need
to get along
and the animal awakens
and all I feel is black and white

the road is long
the memory slides
to the whole of my undoing
put aside
I put away
I push it back to get through each day

and all I feel is black and white
and I'm wound up small and tight
and I don't know who I am

everybody loves you when you're easy
everybody hates when you're a bore
everyone is waiting for your entrance so
don't disappoint them

unravel me
untie this cord
the very centre of our union
is caving in
I can't endure
I am the archive of our failure

and all I feel is black and white
and I wound up small and tight
and I don't know who I am

everybody loves you when you're easy so
don't disappoint them

Sarah Machlaclan
Surfacing

Joy

Thank God for weekends!

Ahhh!!! Bencinye!!!!!

And Returning to Me

Moving into the depth
of a strange water
I looked for a place
for me in the abyss

You haunted me
and I passed you by
time and time
kept you waiting
in my bliss
and I was lost

My bubble burst
drowning in stiff water
my eyes wide and stinging

I've got to tell you
about the state that I am

The truth is
I miss you
And I am tired
of looking away

So I crawl back into your arms
And you are
the warming sun

Erasing You

I'm walking
on my way
to a place
where there is no more traces
of you
leaving you behind

get out of my skin
for I've severed you with
blunt silences

bleed where you are
I will not stain my path

I've walked
to where there is no more traces
of you
you are left behind
graveless

Salawat to Ummiyin Rasul S.A.W

O Messenger of Allah! May salutations be upon you.
O Messenger of Allah! May salutations be upon you.
O the Most exalted by Allah! May salutations be upon you.
O the Best of all the creations of Allah! May salutations be upon you.
O the Beloved of Allah! May salutations be upon you.
O the Leader of all Messengers! May salutations be upon you.
O the Last of all the Messengers! May salutations be upon you.
O the Messenger of the Lord of All the worlds! May salutations be upon you.
O the Leader of the persons having enlightened faces and hands (on the Day of Judgement)! May salutations be upon you.

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O the Harbinger of good tidings! May salutations be upon you.
O the Warner! May salutations be upon you.
(O the Messenger) May salutations be upon you, and upon your chaste and pious family members.
(O the Messenger) May salutations be upon you, and upon your chaste wives who are the mothers of the believers.
(O the Messenger) May salutations be upon you and your Companions.
O the Messenger! May salutations be upon you and upon all the Nabis and Messengers of Allah; and upon all the righteous servants of Allah.
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O Messenger of Allah! May Allah give you the best reward on your behalf, such reward which was never given to any messenger on behalf of his people. May Allah shower His Blessings upon you whenever people may talk about you and even when negligent people neglect your remembrance. May Allah shower His Blessings upon you among all the ancient people and among all the modern people; such choicest, perfect and pure blessings which never before were showered by Allah upon any of His servants. May Allah shower blessings upon you in the similar way as He guided us from the wrong path and removed our blindness because of your auspiciousness.

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I bear witness that their is no God but Allah, and I bear witness that you are His servant and Messenger, trustworthy and the Best of all His creation.

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I bear witness that you have conveyed the message of Allah and discharged the duty of the trust; and advised the Ummah (Community) and struggled in the path of Allah with right endeavor.

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O Allah! Bestow Thy choicest Blessings upon the Holy Last Messenger beyond the expectations of those who expect for them.

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Ameen...

Carry On

Kumenatap langit yang tenang
Dan tak kan menangisi malam
Untuk tetap berdiri
melawan hari
Kuakan bererti
ku takkan mati

Mungkin masaku telah berlalu
Mungkin hatiku tak berbentuk lagi
Rasa ini takkan terubati
Tetapi mati takkan mengubati

Kumenatap langit yang terang
Dan takkan menangisi malam
Kutetap berdiri...kumelawan hari
Ku akan bererti
ku takkan mati

2 DSD by Peterpan

The Grace

'Then I will come at them, from in front of them behind them, from their right and from their left. You will not find most of them thankful.' (Al-A’raf:17)

One of the predominant characteristics of us human beings are that we are full of flaws and imperfections; opposite of Allah who is the origin of all the glory, beauty and wholeness, manifested in His Asma-ul-Husna. Each of the Asma reveals an aspect of Allah that is discernable through the uniqueness, intricacy and the splendours of His creations and countless blessings that envelopes us and flow within us without us being aware of them.

He is the Creator and we, as part of the creations are at the mercy of Allah’s grace – the gift of existence, of air that we breathe, the mind to think and make choices, the body to perform whatever tasks to fulfill our needs, the food and water that we consume, in different forms, shapes, colour, flavour and the tounge to taste, the stomach to digest them accordingly and to absorb the good from them and remove the bad and unnecessary. And all the sights that we observe, the environment that live in, the places that we go to, the tools that we use and depend on, that we need to get our life going the way we have planned or to our likings, every second and moment of time.

The now, and the memories that makes us smile or frown, that taught us some lessons and fills our life with experiences, wisdom, and shapes who we are now and what we will become, of the possibilities and hopes that we have for the future and when things work out as planned or even better than what we have hoped for. And the people that we have around us, our loved ones, friends and acquaintances, enemies and strangers who enrich our lives and gives us some purpose in waking up everyday and going about living our life.

Every second of our existence is a precious gift from Allah, but how often do we even realize that at any next second it will all end or will be taken away from us. How often do we realize the extent of Allah’s uncountable and inconceivable gifts that He is granting us? Can all the Alhamdulillahs or thank you ever be sufficient to embody the amount of gratitude that should fill our hearts and minds?

And yet, all we do mostly is complain of all the things that we don’t have and the things that went or going wrong for us or in the world we live in. But who are we to say that all these wrongs are wrong? Is not Allah who makes things happen the way they happen, even the bad ones? We, who cannot even see an inch beyond our scope of vision or hear a decimal beyond our hearing capacity; or be sure of what others are thinking even if that person is standing right in front of us? Countless limitations compared to the perfection of Allah, the Grand Designer, the Knower of all things, the Master Planner. He plans, He designs and He initiates. He draws the paths, many of them and He puts in the hearts, minds, movements, actions; every little thoughts, deeds and words of the knowledge and ability to take any of the paths that are laid.

He rewards and He punishes. Can any reward be more glorious that His and any punishment be more intense than His?

Any blessing you have is from Allah. Then when harm touches you, it is to Him you cry for help. (An-Nahl: 53)

Deep Thinking - An Article by Harun Yahya

The following article is from harunyahya.com. I love to read his writings - brings me closer to the understanding of who I am and what life and the rest of the world are all about. This one in particular is one of my favourite:-

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Have you ever thought about the fact that you did not exist before you were conceived and then born into the world and that you have come into existence from mere nothingness?

Have you ever thought about how the flowers you see in your living room everyday come out of pitch black, muddy soil with fragrant smells and are as colorful as they are?

Have you ever thought about how mosquitoes, which irritatingly fly around you, move their wings so fast that we are unable to see them?

Have you ever thought about how the peels of fruits such as bananas, watermelons, melons and oranges serve as wrappings of high quality, and how the fruits are packed in these wrappings so that they maintain their taste and fragrance?

Have you ever thought about the possibility that while you are asleep a sudden earthquake could raze your home, your office, and your city to the ground and that in a few seconds you could lose everything of the world you possess?

Have you ever thought of how your life passes away very quickly, and that you will grow old and become weak, and slowly lose your beauty, health and strength?

Have you ever thought about how one day you will find the angels of death appointed by God before you and that you will then leave this world?

Well, have you ever thought about why people are so attached to a world from which they will soon depart when what they basically need is to strive for the hereafter?

Man is a being whom God furnishes with the faculty of thought. Yet, most people do not use this very important faculty as they should. In fact, some people almost never think.

In truth, each person possesses a capacity for thought of which even he himself is unaware. Once man begins to use this capacity, facts he has not been able to realise until that very moment begin to be uncovered for him. The deeper he goes in reflection, the more his capacity to think improves, and this is possible for everyone. One just has to realise that one needs to reflect and then to strive hard.

Someone who does not think will remain totally distant from truths and lead his life in self-deception and error. As a result, he will not grasp the purpose of the creation of the world, and the reason for his existence on the earth. Yet, God has created everything with a purpose. This fact is stated in the Qur'an as follows:

We did not create the heavens and the earth and everything between them as a game. We did not create them except with truth but most of them do not know it. (Surat ad-Dukhan: 38-39)Did you suppose that We created you for amusement and that you would not return to Us? (Surat al-Muminun: 115)

Therefore, each person needs to ponder the purpose of creation, first as it concerns him himself, and then as it pertains to everything he sees in the universe and every event he experiences throughout his life. Someone who does not think, will understand the facts only after he dies, when he gives account before God, but then it will be too late. God says in the Qur'an that on the day of account, everybody will think and see the truth:

That day Hell is produced, that day man will remember; but how will the remembrance help him? He will say, "Oh! If only I had prepared in advance for this life of mine!" (Surat al-Fajr: 23-24)

The truth can be told to a person in many different ways; it can be shown by the use of details, pieces of evidence and by every means. Yet, if this person does not think over this truth on his own, sincerely and honestly with the purpose of comprehending the truth, all these efforts are useless. For this reason, when the messengers of God communicated the message to their people, they told them the truth clearly and then summoned them to think.

While God has given us a chance in the life of this world to reflect and derive conclusions from our reflections, to see the truth will bring us great gain in our life in the hereafter. For this reason, God has summoned all people, through His prophets and books, to reflect on their creation and on the creation of the universe:

Have they not reflected within themselves? God did not create the heavens and the earth and everything between them except with truth and for a fixed term. Yet many people reject the meeting with their Lord. (Surat ar-Rum: 8)

A man who reflects grasps the secrets of God's creation, the truth of the life of this world, the existence of hell and paradise, and the inner truth of matters. He gets a deeper understanding of the importance of being a person with whom God is pleased, and so he lives religion as is its due, recognizes God's attributes in everything he sees, and begins to think not according to what the majority of people demand but as God commands. As a result, he takes pleasure from beauty much more than others do, and does not suffer distress from baseless misapprehensions and worldly greed.

These are only a few of the beautiful things a person who thinks will gain in the world. The gain in the hereafter of someone who always finds the truth by thinking, is the love, approval, mercy and the paradise of our Lord, which are above everything else.

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by Harun Yahya (www.harunyahya.com)

Multiple Intelligence

Woohoo! for Multiple Intelligence (MI)!

This is actually a contemporary theory in pedagogy (the science of learning) that was founded by Dr. Howard Gardner. It explains that every individual has a unique learning style, which means that when it comes to intelligence and the ability to understand others and the world around us, some people are good at one thing and not at others. Also, a person's intelligence can be perceived in many different areas and not just one or two. And also that different learners learn in different ways, according to their area of Intelligence. Dr. Gardner has identified seven different areas of Intelligence:-

Kinaesthetic - Body Smart
Linguistic - Word Smart
Logical - Number Smart
Interpersonal - People Smart
Intrapersonal - Myself Smart
Musical - Music Smart
Visual/Spatial - Picture Smart
Naturalistic - Nature Smart

The theory would considerably pose a strong criticism on the traditional teaching and evaluating system that requires learners to be tested on certain sets of knowledge that are pre-determined by a set of academic syllabus that may or may not fall within the circle of a learner's area of intelligence. The testing style may also be very limiting and extremely ineffective in determining the learner's true ability and intelligence. Furthermore, the results then would be used to determine the learner's intelligence within the schema of a particular education system that again may or may not allow the opportunity for the learner's area of intelligence to be emphasized.

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Very much like our UPSR, all the way to STPM.. You know, if you fail Maths, BM or English & dont get the above average results in certain subjects, don't dream of going to public U kind of thing, not to mention the parents' "stare-of -death" aka "omygod-my-kid-is-a-goner-now" and relatives & friends' "oh-this-is-the-stupid-one-in-the-family" look, etc.

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So, don't ever feel bad if you did not do well in a particular subject or exams right. You ARE smart and you are smart at something that others may be lousy at. Be proud of who you are!!

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Want to know more about your intelligence? Actually, if you over 15 or 16, you probably would be able to guess it. Anyways, check out this link for brief intro and self-test:-

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http://www.bgfl.org/bgfl/custom/resources_ftp/client_ftp/ks3/ict/multiple_int/index.htm

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BTW, the test shows that my intelligence area are Language & Intrapersonal and my worst are Kinaesthetic & Logical. Mmmh...i was the happiest person on the planet when I got C6 (barely passed) in my maths in SPM-after much genuine hard work & my PE teacher only allowed me to pick up the sports stuffs from the store & nothing more.. :p

A Poem

This was one of the first poems that I fell in love with.
It captured both innocence and so much of wisdom at the same time.

Revisiting it after so many experiences, becoming someone so different and so distant form that person that I used to be, the message proves to be a very good lesson of life indeed.


For Anne Gregory
by WB Yeats

'Never shall a young man,
Thrown into despair
By those great honey-coloured
Ramparts at your ear,
Love you for yourself alone
And not your yellow hair.'

'But I can get a hair-dye
And set such colour there,
Brown, or black, or carrot,
That young men in despair
May love me for myself alone
And not my yellow hair.'

'I heard an old religious man
But yesternight declare
That he had found a text to prove
That only God, my dear,
Could love you for yourself alone
And not your yellow hair.'

Love is...

The blue bird is my going-to-be ex-husband. The red bird was me, glued to the wire. But managed to unglue herself and fly away as far as she can.

Ahh..the sweet taste of freedom..