This year has been by far the toughest in my life.
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January
I had to make the most difficult decision I've ever had to make - to leave the life I've had, to finally give up on it after struggling like mad to make it work.
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February
Facing the consequences & my fear, I had to fight hard, against all odds, against the worst possible outcome.
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March
Had to fight harder as the retaliations were becoming more intimidating and cunning. At times, it seemed really bleak, and I was right at the verge of crashing and breaking to pieces.
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April
I won. And I was not thrilled or happy as many thought I would or should; it was not a struggle for freedom. But a loss and the end of certain hopes and what should have been for me and for others who have had the same hopes for us.
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May
I was re-introduced to the solitude of singlehood. Everything seemed different now.
My sister, my roomate moved out. That was surprisingly though to handle.
My car was giving me some real serious problems, had to spend unbelievable amount of cash that I didn't have to fix it & was warned that more of this is expected in the near future. I'm broke, and I'm really angry and bitter toward him and at my own stupidity for believing in what we had when I knew that everything was going against my instinct from the very beginning.
My former family attempted to rebuild the broken bridge. I love them and I really missed them, but I don't know how to handle this unchartered territory. It's too risky. It seems so much easier to just let it all go than holding on to pieces that you think is alright. The fact is it's not, because the fight is not over and I know for fact that they'll stop loving me then; and the pain will be worse.
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June
Sis's wedding is over but unsettled matters remained.
Financial crisis started to hit. Can't make ends meet. I hate to ask others for help, to be seen vulnerable. I had to find alternatives & make more tough choices. I let go all the valuable belongings that I own, besides the crucial ones . Everything goes, but not all are going easily, still. But I had to let them go.
So I had to find more alternatives. Started with the 'work very hard' days for the next few months. I hated it but I had to. And they proved to be really hard. On some of these days, when things are harder than usual, I cursed the x more than usual, becoming more bitter and angrier. I should not, no point in it, but I can't help it.
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July
My confinement period is over & the x has started to bug me, literally, with his creeping crawling sms's. The after effect: the feeling of icky-ness and disgust on my skin, the pit of my stomach and right into my head. That too has been more difficult to handle than I thought. The hole in my bank account is getting bigger and the 'work hard days' haven't shown the kind of immediate solution that I was expecting. My salary evaporated within days and unpaid bills and expenses lined up in a restless queue, demanding to be settled. And the scarcity crept further.
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August
I have officially become the member of the a new growing society (I heard this term used in a local tv program): the poor middle class.
Faced a serious challenge at work, one of the worst in my career which was completely unneccesary and did not make sense. Simple task, but the too many beuracratic nonsence, coated with sheer arrogance of some senior baboons in the organization, made it impossible to handle. It was finally completed, but the tensions were seriously not worth it.
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September
It's only the beginning of the month and my car was hit in an accident. This has resulted in a series of complications that I'm still trying to cope, not to mention others.
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All of these looks like a long list whining. But they are not intended to be percieved that way, because In spite of these 'difficulties', I truly feel blessed.
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I've realized and I am reassured time and time again that I've got the greatest parents and siblings in the world and that I am surrounded by family and some significant people whom without their support, I would have just sank and drowned in my misery.
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I've became closer to a few very good friends and made some new ones. Depite the financial crisis, I don't feel bogged down by them. My mother & father taught me that every problem comes from God and He will provide solutions and opportunities, as long as we open our minds to the possibilities that lie in front us and are not afraid to take chances.
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Most of all, I just can't believe that I've done all the otherwise crazy things that I've done this year. The courage, strength and convictions are the most precious discovery that I've made about myself. For that I can't be thankful enough to the Almighty God, because He has bestowed them to me.
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A couple of well known cliches state that: What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, and that when you hit rock bottom, the only direction to go next is up! For me, they have been absolutely true!
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It's the worst year of my life. And I've never felt better.
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Alhamdulillah to the Most Merciful and Compassionate.
